Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
