I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He did a backflip because drugs
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize