I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
