I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
