Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
