this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
