Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
