So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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