so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
