Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
