I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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