She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i love accidental penises.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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