Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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