so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
