new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
