There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize