The police scanner is talking about you again....
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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