I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
