Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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