I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
