His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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