Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize