apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
