Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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