if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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