I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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