Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
