Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
