we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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