when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize