You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
