Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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