just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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