my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
