I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
