I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
from now on my penis is your penis
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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