dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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