My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
