you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
