How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
