im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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