i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
