3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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