the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
