I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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