Your face is a jimmy john
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize