your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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