Me. At least after what I've been through.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
