So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
