as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize