If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
