Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
