we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
