Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
