I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
