so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
