Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
