they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
