So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
