Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
