I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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