Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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