Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
