well I can't set my house on fire every night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
