Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
