im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
