im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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