I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
