He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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