I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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