you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
