So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up under a house in Key West
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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