how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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